Today is the last day of summer, my youngest just let go and walked for the first time. Tomorrow my oldest will start her first day of kindergarten.
It is all really scary, because these are the kind of moments that remind me I’m in the thick of it. These are the days that I will never get back. I’m not waiting to begin anymore; I’ve started.
So I ask myself, terrified of the answer, am I remembering everything? Am I cherishing enough? Did I prepare them well enough for the new adventures; am I preparing them well enough for the next?
To be honest, I’m not always sure I’m a grown up yet. I don’t feel like one. But I guess being married with three kids, a mortgage, and being responsible for my own laundry should probably change the way I look at myself. I’m in charge of all of this. Even when I don’t feel ready and I don’t know what I am doing. I’m not the kid anymore, now I’m the mom who has to remember to pack the lunch and attach the wristbands, and calm Viola’s nerves. I have to find the words to tell my heartbroken three year old she won’t be joining her sister in school just yet. I have to remember to coax Harvey across the floor, cheer for him when he walks and talk him through his stumbles.
I’m pretty sure I’m looking into the eyes of a sleepless night. Wondering how in the world little Viola will manage that big yellow bus and bigger school and all of those classmates. Wondering what Daphne will do without her older sister to play with all day. Wondering if Harvey will walk and if he does how I will manage to keep him from falling down the stairs or drowning in a toilet.
Next week, I too start classes, finally getting around to finishing up my degree. I’ve been choosing not to think about it, instead trying to keep the butterflies at bay since they feel a bit more like flesh-eating moths.
Will we be okay? Will all of us be okay?
And that is the thing, we can never know, we have to wait and find out. I don’t get to google the spoilers. I just have to live out each moment. Trying to make the memories count, trying not to let it all slip by too quickly, but being ready for each inevitable change and facing all of them like the grownup I am.
Because this is it.